I've blogged on this before, but after a few recent conversations about the appalling audacity of strangers (and occasionally friends), it bears writing about again.  Here are some personal winners (and by "winners" I mean "uncouth questions that should be avoided at all costs") from the experiences of friends, family and yours truly.  Laugh, cringe and, perhaps reform any misguided ways.  :)



Relationships

1.  When are you going to get married? or Why aren't you married yet?  
(I was just waiting for a charmer like you to come along.)  Subtext. Is. Everything.  Yes, maybe you meant it as a compliment (as in, "You're such a catch, why hasn't anyone scooped you up yet?")  But what it really communicates is "You clearly are not a complete person as you do not have a mate."   And, it may be a sensitive subject.  Maybe the person is struggling with single-dom.  Maybe the person LOVES being single. Ultimately it boils down to this: A person's worth does not rest in whether or not they've got a ring on their finger.  So leave that question out of your repertoire. 

2. (To a gay couple)  Which one of you is the man in the relationship?  
It hurts my heart to know that people I care about have been asked this.  What an emasculating, insulting question.  I think it's a good thing this has never been said near me.

3.  (Again, to someone who's gay) Were you molested as a child?
(Nope.  Were you dropped on your head?)  This is another question that I can only assume is born from ignorance.  But it's above and beyond horrible on so many levels.  A lack of understanding or acceptance is no excuse for such insulting behavior. 


Kids and Pregnancy

4.  When is the baby due?
Yes, this is an obvious one.  AND YET it seems to constantly come up.  Intentions may be good (Yay! Happy news!)  but the risk is too high.  If the person isn't pregnant, they now have to deal with the fallout of feeling overweight, ugly and/or alone.  If the person is pregnant they still might be self conscious about showing.  And, in a worst case scenario moment, a friend of mine was asked this just after a miscarriage.  Yeah. 

5.  When are you going to start popping out kids? 
This is a personal favorite of mine and one that several people I know have dealt with.   As soon as someone gets married, people are suddenly looking at your biological clock like it's their own personal stopwatch.  Newsflash: Not everyone wants kids.  Not everyone can have kids. Sometimes it's a sore spot between spouses.  There are a thousand reasons why someone might be childless but all of them boil down to: It's Not. Your. Business.

6.  Was the pregnancy planned? 
There's really no justification for this one.  It's kind of the equivalent of asking "So, did you want your kid?" (Besides, what do you expect them to say if it wasn't? "No, my significant other and I just got hammered at a party and decided to have a quickie in the car.  One month later, surprise!! We've already nick named him 'Daddy's little mistake.'") Maybe just stick to "Congratulations!"

7.  Anything related to how someone is raising a child (Do you still nurse?  You don't spank them do you?  Do you plan to *insert some random child raising nugget gleaned from the newest popular methodology*...?) 
Everyone has an opinion. Everyone has reasons for their opinion.  That doesn't make the opinion fact, it doesn't make it your concern and it certainly doesn't make it your place to insert yourself.


Physical Appearance

8. (In reference to ethnicity) What are you? 
(Ummmm... human.  Perhaps more than I can say for you.)  Seriously, this is incredibly, well, dehumanizing.  Whether or not the intent is benign, the question is out of this world wrong.

9. What's your ethnicity/Where are you from? 
While it's a solid step up on the Creep Scale, it's still not really appropriate to ask someone you don't know.  It communicates a sense of being classed and analyzed and takes away someones true individuality.  True, not everyone is offended by this, but enough people are that it's probably better to avoid it.

10.  Wow, you look great! How much weight have you lost?
Slow your roll, Chief.  Okay, the intention here is good.  But the subtext to anyone who has ever struggled with weight before is "Good job on dropping some pounds, Saddlebags!  Previously, you kinda reminded me of a bloated cow!"  Hopefully that's not at all what you meant.  But the safe way to communicate the compliment is just to stick to the first part: "You look great!"

11. Are you Jewish? I can tell by your nose... 
I wish I didn't have to say that this one came up A LOT, but alas...
First of all, assigning a specific physical feature to a group of people is not really cool.  Yes, I understand that there may be similarities in certain groupings: dark hair, dark eyes, olive skin - maybe not a terrible leap to think someone might be Mediterranean.  BUT it still assumes a generalization that creates an "Us" and "Them" feeling (not to mention there are LOTS of exceptions. I, for one, have dark hair & eyes and olive skin and am not Mediterranean).  Beyond potential stereotyping missteps, you may have the added joy here of making someone self conscious about a particular feature.  (Nope. It's just the nose I was born with.  But what the hell did that mean?)
 
 
Personal Choices

12.  When are you going to get a real job? 
Oh, how I used to hate this one.  For anyone who has struggled to make a life in an artistic pursuit, this question can be infuriating.  Whether or not you agree with someone's choice in career is moot - it's neither your place nor your right to demean someone for it.  (And frankly, many of the artists I know have to work 10 times harder than those with main stream jobs).  

13.  Don't you know that being a vegetarian/vegan/omnivore is bad for your health?
(It's not nearly as bad for my health as this question is for yours...) Again, opinions are great.  And certainly, if the subject is brought up in an open discussion manner feel free to voice your opinions.  But leave the Soapbox attitude at home.




How to Handle an Inappropriate Question:
Most have us have received at least one of these questions, or any number of other jaw-droppers.  While your initial instinct might be to retaliate in some form, generally the best approach is to remain calm and measured in your response. 

• Intent is Everything (almost). Assess the other person's intentions: did they mean well but are just a little ignorant? Or were you a target of some form?  If the intention was good, embarrassing them might not be the way to go.  If the asker truly intended to insult, then a firmer tone may be called for, but again, a calm response from you will have more of an impact.  
• Stay Calm. Angry words (even if they're justified) sometimes lead to a "wow, they're overreacting" reception.  
• Kill 'em with Laughter.  If you can, inject a little humor into your response. A lighthearted but poignant turn of the tables can shut a conversation down quickly without making you look like the bad guy. 
• Keep it Simple. A lot of times people catch us off guard with comments and leave us reeling for words.  Sure, we have a thousand brilliant comebacks 15 minutes later, but at the time? Not a thing.  So just say it straight. Take a breath, and, in an even but firm voice say, "You know, I find that question offensive.  I think it's best we change the subject." 

The majority of the house may be toasty from the residual kitchen heat, but around the table the temperatures are frosty.  Despite the glittering candlesticks and perfectly prepared potatoes, once again, one of your relatives has managed to push you to the say-one-more-word-and-the-turkey-won't-be-the-only-carcass-on-the-table point.

Fear not - you're not alone.  And though you can't control their behavior, you can at least be prepared for their worst.

 Managing Bad Manners: 

The Scene:  Whether it's the uncle who always feels the need to put down your career, the grandparent who wants to know when you're planning to get married or get pregnant, a parent or sibling who takes jabs at your appearance, job or lifestyle, or even the cousin who insists on dusting off the ol' soapbox for a fascinating political rant that lasts throughout two whole courses, preparation is key.  If there is a topic that comes up regularly, have a few responses ready so that you're not left fuming and at a loss for words when the time comes.

1. Don't answer or blatantly change the subject.  Don't feel like you have to answer any rude questions or engage any ignorant statements.  Avoidance is completely acceptable, and sometimes - if you're lucky- can quell the situation right there (assuming the person in question is self-aware enough to be embarrassed). 

Uncle Frank: So, when do you think you're going to quit that art-stuff and get a real job? 
You (After a pause, and smiling sweetly) : Uncle Frank, what are YOU thankful for this year?
- OR - 
You (with a stare at Uncle Frank and a moment of awkward silence; then turning to someone else): Aunt Mary, this casserole is delicious.  Who taught you to cook?

2.    Repeat their question back to them or politely challenge their asking. Sometimes just repeating the question, slowly and deliberately back to them is enough to give them pause.  Make sure to maintain eye contact when you speak.

Grandpa Joe: Putting on a little weight there, aren't you? 
You: I'm sorry, what did you just ask me? 
- OR - 
Did you really just ask that? 
- OR -  
Is there a reason that I should answer that?
- OR -  
Why do you need to know?

3.  Make a joke out of it.  The ability to turn someone's intended arrow into your own fodder is invaluable.  It takes the sting out of their words, and puts all of the power back in your court. That said, it's a skill that generally takes some time to develop.  And remember to temper any rudeness of your own - let the other person be the jerk (a smile and a wink help tremendously).  If you're not sure you're ready to rely on spur of the moment wit, have a few pre-planned answers in your arsenal. 

Aunt Lisa:  Are you planning to get married anytime soon? 
You: Then who would all of my married friends live through vicariously?
 ...
Cousin Devon: So how much are you making at that job?
You: Half what I'm worth. (I take it the corner's still treating you well?)
-OR-
Devon, you realize that was your "out loud" voice, right? 
...
Your older oh-so-perfect sister: When are you guys going to get around  to having a baby? 
You: We're still a little confused as to how the process works.  Maybe you could explain it to everyone? 
- OR - 
 Currently we're just enjoying the practice.  
- OR -   
As soon as your husband commits to a date.

 4.  Be direct. If the disrespect continues, be your own ally.  Take a breath, and inform the person that they are being rude and hurtful and these comments or questions need to stop.  You can do this in private, or, if you feel brave enough, right there in front of everyone.  Remember to stay calm and even and not engage in any sort of misbehavior on their part.  As much as you may not want to, Be the Better Person.  Trust me - people will remember that. 

You (to the offender): While your intentions may have been benign, I find these questions/comments offensive.  You need to stop.  
- OR - 
 These questions are out of line.  If they continue, I will need to leave. 

5. Leave.  If all else fails, just go.  Family gatherings are important, but not as important as your well-being.  The great thing about being an adult is that we're finally in the position to say "Enough" and then act on it.  Hopefully the offenders will start recognizing the boundaries and respecting them, and a relationship can be altered and improved.  But if not, it is THEIR loss. 

Julie C asks: I'm never quite sure when to show up for an event or party.  You hear the term
"fashionably late" used quite often, but what exactly does that mean, and how late is too late?
E.G. Answers: You aren't alone, Miss Julie! Many people struggle with what time is the right time to make an appearance at an event.  For this question, there isn't one set answer (possibly why so many of us are unsure!).  The appropriate time depends largely on the type of event it is.

The Invitation Says:  Dinner Party
This is an easy one. SHOW UP ON TIME.  Hosting a party can be stressful enough - cleaning, cooking, determining what and when to serve.  Not knowing when guests are going to roll in is not something the host should have to think about.  If you're going to be late, let the host know. Otherwise, try to stick to the start time within 15 minutes or so.  


The Invitation Says: Open House 
 If the event is an open house or something similar, there's more flexibility.  The host isn't expecting everyone to show up exactly when the party starts, but even so, try to avoid showing up too close to the end. Rule of Thumb:  show up within the first 2/3's of the party, leaving at least 1/3 of the party left on the clock. And keep in mind that the yummiest food on the buffet may get snatched up early, so being there toward the beginning is never a bad idea!

The Invitation Says: Cocktail Party
Cocktail parties fall somewhere in between the two.  While the host is not preparing and timing a meal, they are still coordinating hors d'oeuvres, drinks and chit chat.  Try to arrive within 10 -  20 minutes of the invitation.  That will allow the host time to greet each guest as they arrive, take coats, provide drinks and make introductions.


The Invitation Says: Backyard Barbeque 
Barbeques are generally very laid back, with a cook-as-you-want-it kind of atmosphere.  Typically, this means that you have more leeway in arrival time.  Again, try to stick to the 2/3 party rule, making sure there's at least 1/3 of the party left when you arrive.

The Invitation Says: Wedding/ Funeral/ Baby Shower/ Bridal Shower/ Theatre Event/ Graduation/ Surprise Party (Hopefully not all at once.  What would you wear?!)
NEVER COME LATE. Ever.  Barring some form of disaster, there is never a good excuse for arriving past the listed time.  These events are costly, important, and frankly, not about you.  When you arrive late, you pull attention away from the event and/or people being honored.  In fact, I consider these events the exceptions to the Never-Arrive-Early rule (Below).  Due to the high significance of these events, give yourself more time than you think you need to get there, find parking, and find a seat. 


Still Not Sure?
Look for clues in the way you were invited:
Did you receive an invitation by mail, email, phone, social media or in person?

• If your invite came via the post, you can probably expect the party to be formal.  Few people these days go to the expense of sending invitations through the mail unless they're investing significantly in their event. 
• If you were invited verbally (phone or in person) or by social media, the atmosphere of the party will most likely be much more laid back, and using the 2/3 rule should have you covered. 
• An emailed invitation used to fall into the above category with phone calls and social media, but that convention is rapidly changing.  With the expense of the mailing process, an increasing focus on staying "green", and the increasing quality of sites like evite.com, some soirees that might once have garnered guests a physical card are now being promoted by online invitations.  Look to additional clues for your hosts gala intentions. 

Look for clues in the wording on the invitation:

• Drop in and say hello!  "Drop in" is indicative of an open house type of party.  There is no hard arrival time.  Abide by the 2/3 rule. 
•  Be Our Guest!  OR ...request the pleasure of your company...   Definitely more formal.  Plan to arrive at the stated start time. 
•  Join us for an evening... Could go either way, but most likely it's a cocktail party type of affair. Not a hard start time, but plan to arrive within 15 - 20 minutes of the stated time.  

Ask! 
There's absolutely nothing wrong with calling or emailing the host and digging for some additional information.  Use it as an opportunity to ask any additional questions you might have: if there's anything that you can bring; or what you should wear.  The conversation doesn't need to be anything more than "I'm so excited about your party! I just wanted  to check in with you about the time you'd like us to arrive.  Also, is there anything I can bring?"

Additional Etiquette: 

Arriving Early: DON'T DO IT! While being a few minutes early for a job interview or even to a wedding isn't a bad idea, when it comes to most social gatherings, it's more of a hindrance than a help.  The host will most likely be working on the finishing touches (cleaning, cooking, getting dressed) and an early arrival can throw off their timing, forcing them to focus on you rather than the remaining To-Dos.   If you DO wind up in the area a little earlier than you expected, use the time to pick up flowers or a bottle of wine.

When to Leave:  

Most invitations list an End Time.  Use it.  Your hosts have provided food, drink and entertainment for their guests all evening - give them the courtesy of getting their house back when they request it.

If your invitation does NOT have an end time listed, or you were invited verbally, you'll have to look for indications from your host.  Is the host still pouring drinks, sitting with their feet up and having a good old time? Are they protesting when people say that they should  go?  Then you're probably safe to stay a little longer.  On the other hand, is your host picking up dishes, moving things into the kitchen or standing up by the door?  Have they moved your coat and purse onto the lawn and are they now pointing in the direction of your car, with their keys hanging off of their finger and tears in their eyes?   It might be time to go.

Helping with Set Up or Clean Up: Offer your services, but don't insist upon it. 

Your host may be eternally grateful for a spare set of hands to pour drinks, light candles or pass plates. But they also may not want to have to expend extra energy on answering the "What can I do?!" question twenty times.

Likewise, having a friend discretely pick up empty glasses, wash a few dishes or throw away trash while they gather coats and purses and say their goodbyes can be a tremendously helpful, but some hosts feel very awkward if someone sees "behind the curtain" so to speak.  In addition, it may be their intent to simply shove everyone out the door, collapse in bed and leave the mess for the morning. Your well-meaning presence may just delay their well-deserved respite!

Finally... 
There are two different theories to the expression "fashionably late." Both date from the 19th century.  

The first suggests that the phrase refers to a time when it was fashionable to begin social functions later in the evening.  In particular this would have pertained to the upper class who didn't have the need to be up early as the working class did.

The other proposed etymology is the more common meaning in current society.  Arriving at a party late is meant to communicate that the guest has too many social engagements to be able to arrive on time.  

Upon inspection, both meanings are somewhat repugnant and insulting.  Instead, try to keep your intentions true to the host's best interest and the intent of the party.  When your only goal is to enjoy the company of friends and your only sentiment is one of gratitude and enjoyment you will rarely find yourself out of fashion.

While a super-thoughtful and creative hostess gift is always the goal, it's not always the easiest thing to come up with.   Below, 10 of my favorite things that are appreciated across the board.

1. A recipe book with lots of beautiful, glossy pictures.  Make it personal by writing a little note on the inside cover.  Include the date, the event and a simple sentiment such as "Your cooking is always something to look forward to! Thank you for your hospitality!" 






2.  A bud vase with personality (and a bloom or two!).  Your host can set out during the party for some added flair, and enjoy it long after the blooms (and guests!) are no longer around.

EG Favorite: World Market Purple Flower Bud Vase. $12.99 Worldmarket.com

3. Trivia, quiz, puzzle and game coasters.  A wonderful addition to any party, they protect your hosts furniture and act as ice breakers for guests

EG Favorite:  Bar Games Drink Mats. 30 mats for $11.95 fridgedoor.com





4.  A book of cocktail recipes.  How many of us these days know how to mix an old fashioned?  Invite your host to have some fun trying their hand at mixology. Who knows? Maybe they'll invite you back to sample! 

EG Favorite: The Unofficial Madmen Cookbook. $12 at Amazon.com
 
5.  A potted plant or herb.  The beauty of a potted plant is that the host doesn't need to worry about immediately finding a vase, when they have a thousand other things on their mind.  In addition, the herbs can be useful for any last minute garnishing the host might like to do.  

EG Favorite: Trader Joe's Potted Herb garden $7.99

6. Flavored Gourmet Coffee.  It's always nice to have something unique to try with dessert.  Try to find a small local coffee store to support.  Local blends are often the tastiest (and most chic!). Consider decaf for those who are early risers.  

EG Favorite: Greencastle Coffee Roasters Lisa's Winter Wonderland, $10 for 1 lb. Greencastlecoffee.com 
 
7. Elegant or Stylish Hand Soap. It's one of those little things that we all love in our bathrooms, but seldom buy for ourselves.  And unlike bar soap, it doesn't lose it's appeal when the wrapper is removed.  

EG Favorite:  Mrs Myers Basil Scent Hand Soap.  It's paraben free, made in the USA and only $3.99!  www.mrsmeyers.com

8. Unique matchboxes.  One of my favorite little accessories are unusual matchboxes.  Too pretty to put away, they're always available when you need them!

EG Favorite: Matches: Flowering Tree, $5.50 thefound.com

9. Fashionable Bottle Opener.  Rather than leaving a basic one on the bar (or worse, hearing one of the guys say "Check it out: if you just put the edge of the cap on the counter, and then hit the bottle real hard..."), supply your host with a fabulous alternative. 

EG Favorite: Key Bottle Opener $7.99, worldmarket.com

10. A bottle of Limoncello.  Wine is great, but try to supply your host with something fun and different, by bringing an aperitif to sample.  (Note: Be sure that your host does drink, and is not opposed to alcohol. Some people may choose not to for religious or other personal reasons)

EG Favorite: Ventura Limoncello, $22, Bevmo 

A few other ideas to try:
- Coordinated wrapping paper and ribbons for the hostess to use at a later date.
- Elegant, infused olive oil
- Beautiful Cocktail Napkins or Disposable Guest Hand Towels (ready for use that night, or another!)
- A box of locally made chocolates
- A basket of fresh fruit
- A cheeseboard with knife

Little Miss Decorum's Thoughts: For the most part, I'm a very casual, laid back kind of girl.   I'm far more likely to be in jeans and boots than a skirt and heels; I'd rather be at a baseball game than a ballet; I eat pizza (and green beans - much to my mother's chagrin) with my fingers and I think that function should almost always outweigh form.  There are an incredible number of "etiquette rules" that I feel are extremely outdated.  But that doesn't mean that propriety has no place in our current society.


When someone opens their home to you for a dinner party or celebration, they are, in essence, giving you a gift.  They are spending money on food, drinks, and entertainment.  They are spending their time on preparations to make you feel comfortable and welcome.  And it's a lovely gesture to bring them a small gift as a token of thanks.

Does that mean that every time your best friend calls you up to watch the game you should come over bearing a fruit basket and a thank you card? Of course not. (Although, try to never go somewhere empty handed. Even if it's a side salad, a six pack or a bag of ice, it's always to polite to bring something).  But there are certain occasions where a host/hostess gift should be presented.

Try using the following down-to-earth guidelines to establish when to take a hostess gift. 

4. If you'll be at the home for more than a few hours (An all day party, or a weekend visit)

If you're still not sure, err on the side of caution, and take something.  It needn't be expensive - just a small gesture that says "Hey, I appreciate you having me."